Friday Night: One Woman Show

Friday night:

10:30, two glasses of wine, my dog is ignoring me, and Facebook is open. I would say that I don’t have a problem but this is the second night in a row that I find myself in this ever so lonely situation. Yes, I could call my boyfriend, friends, or sisters…but, I HAVE FACEBOOK! So, now I will proceed to molest its face off.

Act 1: “HOMEGIRL HAS A BABY?!”

I have found this to be a question I ask my computer screen and myself on a daily basis. Though it has become a part of my routine, I find myself appalled at the number of unwed peers I have with children. I am 19.

Act 2: “HOMEGIRL HAS TWO BABIES?!”

I have nothing more to say on this topic..

Act 3: “REACHING OUT.”

After thoroughly stalking people I never talk to, I have decided to reach out to them. I tried this once on a girl I went to high school with. I commented on her status and she quickly followed up by deleting my post. To be fair, she was trying to be inspirational in saying, "Don’t worry about people from your past - there’s a reason they didn’t make it to your future..." I guess, “Shit just got real” wasn’t the type of response she was looking for.

Act 4: “Making no sense.”

Things have become boring, so, I proceed to ask my best friend via Wall Post, “Why is ‘poop’ such a funny word?” I am still awaiting her response, but in the mean time I would like to raise another question that makes no sense to me, “What does ‘GOP’ stand for?” To be honest, I don’t really care but I feel as though I should. And also, I never found Fun Dip to be fun. It was just sticky, gross, and never had enough of the Blue Berry flavor. Hey Fun Dip, NOBODY LIKES GRAPE!

My Original Lifetime Movie.

               My life is nothing like a Lifetime movie. I don’t have a stalker, I’m not a 17 year old stripper, I’ve never made a pregnancy pact, and I most defiantly am not “A divorced mother approaching her 40^th birthday that takes a vacation to Hawaii and soon finds herself in an unexpected romance with a much younger man.” I bet you could never guess the title of that movie—Flirting With Forty—yup.

                It’s not that I hate my life, but for once I would like to have an adventure. What if I want to find my long lost imaginary friend and marry him? What if I want to lead a double life in a huge house in Canada? What if I want to form a relationship with a male prostitute and later be blackmailed because of it and lose my chances at becoming the Supreme Court judge? Okay, maybe not that last one…or any of the others for that matter.

 All I am asking for is a little adventure or at least the chance to take my average life and make into a movie. With that being said, the title of my Original Lifetime Movie would be—Young and Bored. I’m not entirely sure what the climax of the plot would be, all I know is that the ending scene would show me with a witty smirk on my face reading a self-help book titled- How To Make Friends And Keep Them. Also, during the end credits Sarah McLaughlin would whale “In the Arms of an Angel”.

If Lifetime doesn’t pick up my movie rights, I’ll shoot for HBO. In that case, I’d be able to portray myself as a nudist who uses far too many curse words. The title of that movie would be – Nakie and Don’t Care. Expect the screen play for that second one within the year.