If I had a leather jacket.

        Whether I am walking down the street or watching a movie, I always find myself comparing my boring life to the one I know that girl with the tight leather jacket is living. My mornings consist of one normal cup of coffee with too much sugar and not enough creamer. My days involve “working”, going to school, then I am off to play with my nephew at my sister’s house. I won’t say there is anything boring or normal about my nephew because he is the cutest baby I know. I also know that he will grow up to cure cancer or to become a professional baseball player or something amazing like that. He is legit awesome, no questions asked.  But as soon as the kid hits the hay, a bottle of wine is broke out and my sister and I proceed to watch Glee. Don’t judge. Okay, judge. I judge myself every time I catch myself downloading the latest covers and singing along with them. Why must I do these things to myself? If I had a leather jacket, my life would be totally different.

The cow jumped over the moon?

             Sitting in class, I became amused. My teacher said some things that left me confused. She told me a story of a lion and a mouse, then another about a gingerbread house. There was one about an elephant and a cookie too. She then threw in one about tying your shoe. I began to protest and scream real loud, “these stories aren’t true! No way! No how!” My teacher pointed her finger to a nearby chair and when I didn’t budge, she gave me “THE STARE”. I finally sat down, so she went about her way and continued these silly stories for the rest of the day. There was one about a caterpillar eating the world. There was one about moving to Australia, he was just a boy! She told a story of a fish with rainbow scales, then one of a duckling, and one about bells. She moved on to stories from Dr. Seuss and that’s when I couldn’t hold it. I had to break loose! So I raised my voice and called her a liar. I said, “These stories aren’t true, you should be fired.” She didn’t break into tears or fuss at me. She simply smiled and said, “That may be, but they come from minds creative and wise, from people who know how to live fun lives. If you close your eyes and let your mind go free then maybe you, too, can see what they see.” So…I closed my eyes and tried to let my mind go “free” but I just couldn’t do it. I cried, “What does this mean?” My teacher patted my head and said, “That’s okay, this is exactly why we must read.” Reading allows our minds to go to new worlds we could never imagine. With reading, anyone can make anything happen! 

What to do when a big girl needs help.

            Every night I lay in my bed and close my eyes to see the day ahead–But I hear the creaking, I hear the scratching, the whispers are creeping, and my mood is lacking. I want to cry and I want to yelp. What to do when a big girl needs help? I could hide under the blanket with all limbs inside. I could hold my breath, but then I might die. I rack my brain with things to do and then I decide to call for the crew! I reach for my phone to give Teddy D. a call. He’ll be right over and he’s bringing the ball. Mrs. Moo Moo’s on board to put an end to the noise; she’s in the chest with all of my other toys. Three is not enough for the plan I have made so I whistle for Jimmy, LewLew and Jade.

                We stretch out the map of my great big old house and with a red magic marker I put X’s all about. We take a breath for courage then set out on our way. With flash lights in hand we eliminate the grays as best as we can. I tried to stay close to all of my friends, but I fell behind every now and again. I stubbed my toe on every corner I took and once on a lap. It swayed and it shook. We reached the fountain where I like to make wishes, I usually wish there was no such thing as dishes—but not tonight, I’d like to keep going. This mission’s important and I have no pennies worth throwing. We pass the front door, the garage one too, and that’s when I notice we’ve lost LewLew. We all turn around but decide to keep on walking. We know LewLew is tough because she comes from Milwaukee.

                We’ve come upon the kitchen and the cabinets are open. I look at Mrs. Moo Moo, she’s got a plan for this one. No one can reach the cabinets so high. We need a ladder or stairs of some kind. With Jimmy on bottom then Jade and Teddy D, Mrs. Moo Moo’s on top when she cries out to me, “There’s nothing up here, your cabinets are not disturbed. They were simply left open by your cousin named Bird.

                So, we move right along to our next destination. We pass by the plants and my dad’s work station. When we reach the back door I turn the nob. The door doesn’t open, “We need the key,” Teddy D. says with a sob. I tell him to look at me, that he better straighten up this jigs not over and I have the key. We look out the door to find nothing buy grass, I’m growing disappointed because too much time has passed.

                With no time to waste we move it along to find our third base. We go down the hall and the noise is growing louder so we scrunch in a ball and all walk together. We see a light flashing and more scared we become. Should we go into the living room or turn and run? – But we’ve come too far to give up this mission, “we will finish this now,” is my final decision.

                So, we all straighten up and got in a line and all walked in only to find…The TV is on and the volume is up, spread out on the couch, LewLew says, “Sup?” My furry continues to grow as I haul my toys to bed, LewLew in tow. I climb under the blanket and rest my head on my pillow. With my eyes not yet closed my anger dissolves and I thank all my toys for getting involved. We all say, “Goodnight,” and turn off the lamp. –But as I’m falling asleep my dad comes in saying, “Good morning, Champ!”              

But I am a girl girl girl.

Now, my last post was a list of why I should have been born a man. I should clarify that I do not in any form or fashion wish I were I guy. The following are my top reasons why being a girl is awesome.

          1) Emotions are so much fun.

          2) I can totally pee while standing up, if done right. Though, hovering and  DNA have really given me great calf muscles/

          3) No guy could get away with an over-the-shoulder Coach satchel. NO GUY

          4) Periods suck but I don't know one single man who has gotten out of class or work because their was a party in their panties and their Pikachu was losing.

          5) Flip flops.

          6) Bikinis.

          7) Peach Margaritas.

          8) Girls rule boys drool.

She's the man.

For the past 20 years, I have been a female. This is something that I do not, in the near and far future, intend to change. However, I would like to argue why I, Beyoncé, Amanda Bynes, and most other females would make a much better man than most other males I know. Thus, I present to you the top reasons I should have been born a man:
                1) Female pant pockets are way too small to hold ANYTHING.

                        2)  Peeing while standing is so convenient (hovering hurts).

                                  3) Purses suck and make you look weak.

                                 4) Peeing while standing up looks like so much fun.

                        5) God made dirt and dirt don’t hurt…men.

                        6) Hugging is gross

                                     7) Peeing while standing up would prevent so many unplanned pregnancies. ß More for other girls.

Moo.

I’ve never been the type of person to think of urination but lately my mind has been consumed with the thought of it.  This sounds strange and gross, I know, but I have yet to get to the best part… I’ve been thinking of cow pee.

It all started this morning as I was driving to work and got stopped at a red light. While Outside Villanova played through my iPod, I looked over and saw a cow not 10 feet from my car staring at me. Because of some strange urge, I looked down and saw what was pee coming out of this cows “downstairs mix up.” I instantly looked away out of respect but my head slowly turned back towards Edward, the cow. How could he stand there so vulnerable peeing like that? How could he stare at me as he peed like that? Why was I watching Edward pee? I cannot tell you the answer to any of these questions. Thank you for reading this insanely strange and never relevant to anything in life story. Bye.

Something peculiar.

On a rather warm November afternoon, I sat outside my sister’s home and watched her neighbors go about their everyday lives. Through the windows of the home directly across the street from where I sat, I watched a woman by the name of Patti play fetch with her oversized puppy.  The teenage boy who lives to the right of my sister arrived home, went inside, and then came back out with a lit cigarette. We shared a moment as he sat on the steps of his home and I on the steps of my sister’s home.  I gazed at him and he across the street with a look of content then confusion.

Following his gaze, I found a woman about the age of 20 standing at the top of home converted into apartments. She had a punk-ish look about her as she hurriedly stomped down the stairs to the apartment’s shared mail box. She took out what seemed to be a few envelopes and a magazine then threw them to the ground in frustration. She then climbed into her white Jeep Rangler and speed away as fast as she could in mid shift. Seconds after she fled the mail throwing scene, a white Neon slowly pulled in front of the house converted apartments and proceeded to parallel park for five minutes. Normally, this would not be too strange but seeing as there were no other cars in sight it should not have been that difficult to creep to a stop. Finally, after another minute or so a woman in her mid-50’s wobbled out of the car and up to the shared mailbox where she leaned over to retrieve the previously thrown mail. Halfway through her ascent up she threw the mail back down then went inside her apartment.

I looked over for my moment-sharing-teenage –boy-friend and found that he had left.  There was no one there to share this peculiar yet totally normal incident with and all of a sudden I felt unconnected with the rest of the human population. It was almost as though I was a blade of grass waving in the wind waiting to be cut down in preparation for winter. But…I am not a blade of grass; I am a human and I have a blog.